based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
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