Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
