Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i've created a new STD.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
