i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
