before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
