I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
