life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
