She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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