please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize