words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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