he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He passed out mid-signature
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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