I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
