I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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