walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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