I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
