I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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