he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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