woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
