roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
