and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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