Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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