Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
