All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
