Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
