I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
