Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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