Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
