Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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