do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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