He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
