You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
