I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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