so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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