Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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