I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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