It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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