I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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