1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
