How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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