I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
