**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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