Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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