the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
