im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
