the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
