last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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