dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I smell like Dick and happiness
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
