I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
