I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
