the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
