I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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