I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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