yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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