I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
FUCK WHALES
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