Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
