If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
