mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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