I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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